KAIT MAURO

Life

Sea of Anxiety

Life, HealingKait MauroComment

Right now I am feeling anxious. I’ve been battling anxiety for a long time now. I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

What I mean to say is: I can’t imagine myself in any life, any possible life I could lead, where I wouldn’t feel some undercurrent of this anxiety.

As hard as it fights me to be given a reason, an excuse - money or car crashes or relationships or mortality or productivity or falling behind or my weight or the dark or being alone or my health - it doesn’t have one. It’s just something my brain does. It’s part of my wiring, my chemistry. There is no why, there is just how do I learn to ride these waves, how do I learn to exist with this more gracefully, how to stop it from controlling me.

Which is part of the problem - the urge to change things, the wish things were different than they are/the wish I was different than I am - but still, it would help to get better at this thing.

There is so much pressure to be improving, to keep all of the plates spinning, to continually add more plates, to be constantly more productive, more efficient, to create or get rid of this habit or that habit, to be constantly making progress, to consume, to upgrade… it’s exhausting.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid if I stop moving for a bit everything will come to an ugly halt.

I’m afraid all the plates will come crashing down & my life will be left in ruin.

I’m afraid something will be permanently damaged.

Fellow anxious people, what helps? How do you ride out the waves? What excuses does your anxiety want to take? How have you learned to challenge it - to live more gracefully despite it?

Homo Sapien

Art, Healing, LifeKait MauroComment

I am an animal on display

in an old fashioned zoo -

trapped & violent,

violent,

violent,

violent,

going slowly insane.

I entertain the guests.

I try to please them.

This does not come naturally to me.

I don a sweater, purple pants. I reach

for this & that. I rattle

the bars but the bars don't budge,

they tell me the bars won't budge,

so I decide to play dead.

Film Vibes

LifeKait MauroComment

A lot of nesting has been going on at our house over this little Thanksgiving break. I’ve been working on giving the living room a much fresher look & I became absolutely obsessed with giving our bed a makeover (#almostthirty lol). I spent more hours than I want to admit looking for the perfect comforter in various stores & on online shops.

I bought some (more) polka dot plants & two Christmas cacti at the grocery store early one morning & repotted them into some pots of plants that had reached their expiration date (isn’t it sad when plants don’t age well, even with careful care?).

Tomorrow the comforter I ordered is scheduled to get here in the post & I am ready with ALL the bohemian throw pillows. I really hope all of the different textured/colored textiles I’ve gotten from so many different places come together in the way I am hoping & it doesn't all look too chaotic or cluttered.

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This Weekend

Art, LifeKait MauroComment

This weekend was a bit rough emotionally. On Friday night we were driving home from dinner on Atlanta Highway & we saw a dog that had been hit by a car limping frantically on the side of the road. We pulled over & drove to an emergency vet but the dog passed away in the backseat of Edward’s car en route to the veterinarian. I don’t know if I’ve seen an animal die before, my memory is too lost to remember various childhood pets deaths & if I witnessed the moment the soul left the body or not. I felt strangely numb afterwards. I experienced some thoughts about how I probably deserved to die more than that poor dog, whose name tag said he was called Tuscan, did. I didn’t cry much - which made me feel uncomfortable about myself, wondering if I was heartless. I held Lena very close to my body under a blanket for a long time when we got home that evening.

A lot of the weekend was spent discussing some problems with Edward. Not a lot of progress was made, but it could have gone much worse than it did. Still, it feels shitty to spend so much time discussing an issue & reach no sense of resolution about it. We’ll get there though.

I finished a scarf I’d been knitting for Edward & he wore it when we went to the Montgomery Zoo on Sunday morning. I love the zoo, it’s so much fun. We had a great time. All couples have problem areas & we are still crazy about each other & going strong, just trying to figure out some of the acrobatics of being married still, even though our 2 year anniversary is coming up in December. I don’t think a person ever finishing learning & growing in a marriage though, learning new things about themselves & their partner & love & how to share a life with another person - new acrobatics.

Now it’s Tuesday morning and I am a zombie from getting too much sleep. Monday was a good day & I am optimistic that today will be too. I got a lot of creative work done with photographs (selects, edits, backing up & sharing) & my new camera bag arrived in the post! I shared a photo of my camera gear with my new bag on Instagram. I got a lot of life stuff done too - finalized my gear’s insurance policy, paid bills, made appointments. Adult-ing still feels strange to me somedays, but yesterday wasn’t one of those days. I’m still doing this 365 project - I’m on day 140-something (need to check that) and I am proud that I’m still going even if I occasionally miss a day or need to play catch-up - c’est la vie.

Having a fellow photographer as a friend is a goldmine.

Art, LifeKait MauroComment

My wonderful friend, Jessica Colyer, took these photos of Edward & I on my birthday a few weeks back. I’d been wanting to do a little couples shoot with Edward but the idea of doing it myself with my tripod & remote felt intimidating. We did this little shoot in a vacant plot of land I’d noticed when we’d driven by it a week or so earlier because of it’s beautiful yellow flowers. I didn’t exactly remember where it was, so it turned into a bit of an adventure trying to find it again, but we did & the light was pure magic that afternoon.

"To Keep / To Make"

Art, Life, HealingKait Mauro1 Comment

To keep my body strong / possibly snake oil

To make up for not getting enough sun / help the others / possibly snake oil

To keep the panic at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep the depression at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep the panic at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep me from getting too depressed or too manic / an old friend

To keep the panic further at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep the panic at bay / to make slipping off into nightmares again easier

To make slipping off into nightmares again easier / to keep me from rising at 2:30am

"Not This Way, Not Like It Has Been"

Art, Life, HealingKait Mauro1 Comment
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I’m getting back into writing poetry. This is my first in far more than a year I believe. Maybe that’s why it’s so much longer than mine have been in the past. I’ve remembered the power it once had to help me understand & cope & make sense of things & how I feel about them. I wrote this poem this morning - the emotions were strong this morning - thank goodness for three therapy appointments this week even though that sounds daunting & ridiculous & exhausting to me right now. I did the first draft of this poem on my computer, printing it again & again & editing it with grey black pen until I was out of printer paper. Then, when it felt finished enough (poems never feel entirely finished), I recorded this video of myself reading it, tripping over my words a bit, nervous to be in front of a filming camera, even my own. I’ve included the text of the poem here because poems are different things when they are heard than when they are read. I feel much more at peace now that I’ve written this & shared it. I need to remember this about myself: creating brings me back to myself, whether I am proud of what I make or not it is the closest thing to meaning & purpose I have right now. I must create everyday. Edward has his career &, right now at least, this is mine.

It's Surreal To Feel Heartbroken Surrounded By Party Decorations

Life, ArtKait Mauro2 Comments

The day before my actual birthday was wonderful - decorations were put up, some old & new friends came over, Edward cooked us delicious food, we had afternoon tea, we managed to find a field of yellow flowers I’d seen a few days before near Wetumpka, AL but couldn’t quite remember where & did a little photoshoot with fancy clothes there. The atmosphere was festive.

My actual birthday was not wonderful or festive.

27 got off to a very rough start.

I woke up as a 27 year old on Monday and only now on Thursday morning, am I beginning to feel any amount of hope or peace again. I feel a slight vibration in my blood, a bluesy hum, as I listen to “Free Yourself Up” by Lake Street Dive that maybe things are not 100% fucked. Maybe there is room to grow & change, Maybe I’ll be able to come up with some dreams for myself. Maybe things are only 75% fucked. Maybe this nearly constant crushing loneliness that is being married to a 3rd year medical student won’t last forever. Maybe I’ll find some ounce of passion within myself to feel again soon that won’t be in the form of anger. Maybe things are only 50% fucked. Maybe the new therapist will help things. Maybe it’ll all work out okay. Maybe this is being human. Maybe I’m not as good at it, as graceful about it, as I could be - but maybe this will be a year of, I don’t know, something like improving & growing in that way. Maybe 27 will be the year of learning how to be.