KAIT MAURO

Healing

Homo Sapien

Art, Healing, LifeKait MauroComment

I am an animal on display

in an old fashioned zoo -

trapped & violent,

violent,

violent,

violent,

going slowly insane.

I entertain the guests.

I try to please them.

This does not come naturally to me.

I don a sweater, purple pants. I reach

for this & that. I rattle

the bars but the bars don't budge,

they tell me the bars won't budge,

so I decide to play dead.

Curiosity Says

Healing, ArtKait MauroComment
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Pettiness says, “I’m jealous.”

Jealousy says “I’ve been made to feel other, unwanted, unwelcomed.”

Otherness says, “They wouldn’t have done this for you. They didn’t want you. They only tolerate you.”

Self-loathing says, “You really must be tolerated. You’re difficult to like.”

Broken trust says, “He broke the agreement.”

Love says, “He’s conflicted. Don’t make him choose.”

Fear says, “It’ll be just the same as it was.”

Fear says, “You’ll always be other.”

Wisdom says, “Maybe you can live with that - maybe it’s just a few you need to love.”

Fear says, “We’re coming up on next summer.”

Fear says, “There isn’t enough money left.”

Fear says, “We won’t be able to find a house as good as this one - you’ll lose your studio.”

The little girl says, “He’ll neglect you, abandon you, choose everything over you.”

Grief says, “You will always be lonely - there is no other path for you”

Curiosity says, “We’ll just see how things turn out.”

Splitting

HealingKait Mauro1 Comment
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When I was a child, I learned to think of my parents as good or bad. I learned that sometimes they were a source of nurture, comfort & love & other times I needed to separate myself from them for my own safety & well-being. I learned to split people in this way. I developed these borderline ways of thinking as a way to adapt to my little environment. I did not get to choose my environment. I had a strange childhood due to a number of factors including my parents’ marital issues, my mother’s cancer & my own physical health problems - all at a very young age. I remember once sleeping in the basement while my parents screamed at each other upstairs. I remember asking my older sister if they were going to get divorced. I thought she would know since our mother & her father were already divorced. I was afraid of them getting divorced. But at the age of 27, I realized how & why I had developed this type of black & white thinking - why almost everyone was generally all good or all bad in my mind & how a single person could move between these categories. When I felt safe, they were good. When I felt endangered, they were bad. I recognized that this way of thinking no longer served me, that it actually got in the way of my humanity & the way in which I wanted to live.

I made a promise to myself to try to be conscious of it - to remember that people are one person, not several, & complex - like me, some good & some bad all mixed in together. This fact scared me. I made a promise to myself to try to change this way of thinking. The promise felt heavy in my chest, made it difficult to breath. It was scary to set out to change something that felt so engrained into my own wiring, in my ability to survive & cope in the world. It was a coping skill, that much I had to admit to myself, but one from long ago that no longer helped me as I was no longer a child in the dysfunctional environment in which I’d grown up. I was now trying to have a functional marriage & life of my own. Still, it was a relief to finally see its roots & how they had come to be so embedded in me. It was scary to think that maybe everyone but me already knew these things - it made me feel self-conscious & slow. It was scary to let go of something that used to keep my emotions safe & that had been with me for as long as I could remember. But the realization also felt like growth.

"To Keep / To Make"

Art, Life, HealingKait Mauro1 Comment

To keep my body strong / possibly snake oil

To make up for not getting enough sun / help the others / possibly snake oil

To keep the panic at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep the depression at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep the panic at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep me from getting too depressed or too manic / an old friend

To keep the panic further at bay / It does the best it can.

To keep the panic at bay / to make slipping off into nightmares again easier

To make slipping off into nightmares again easier / to keep me from rising at 2:30am

"Not This Way, Not Like It Has Been"

Art, Life, HealingKait Mauro1 Comment
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I’m getting back into writing poetry. This is my first in far more than a year I believe. Maybe that’s why it’s so much longer than mine have been in the past. I’ve remembered the power it once had to help me understand & cope & make sense of things & how I feel about them. I wrote this poem this morning - the emotions were strong this morning - thank goodness for three therapy appointments this week even though that sounds daunting & ridiculous & exhausting to me right now. I did the first draft of this poem on my computer, printing it again & again & editing it with grey black pen until I was out of printer paper. Then, when it felt finished enough (poems never feel entirely finished), I recorded this video of myself reading it, tripping over my words a bit, nervous to be in front of a filming camera, even my own. I’ve included the text of the poem here because poems are different things when they are heard than when they are read. I feel much more at peace now that I’ve written this & shared it. I need to remember this about myself: creating brings me back to myself, whether I am proud of what I make or not it is the closest thing to meaning & purpose I have right now. I must create everyday. Edward has his career &, right now at least, this is mine.