KAIT MAURO

Falling Apart & Putting Myself Back Together

Journal, The Healing WorkKait MauroComment
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I fell apart this morning. I only got to see Edward for about 30 minutes yesterday, which is really not enough time to see your person in a day, and I was just feeling so utterly alone by today - the end of a long week for both him & I with a lot of time apart. He was busy at the hospital again & I couldn't reach him by phone or text. It was a scary alone feeling, I don't know how to describe it to you well or how to explain what made it a scary kind of loneliness instead of just garden-variety loneliness. I guess it wasn't just loneliness - it was isolation & depression & panic & fear of the unknowns (will I always be this lonely in this marriage?). I wanted to just stay in bed with the dogs today, give up for a day, but I didn't & I'm not.

The scary loneliness led to a panic attack. Afterwards I was exhausted from it but I got out of bed, grabbed some coffee & went outside to drink it in the sunshine for a little bit. Then I took a shower. The shower really helped.

Then Edward called! We got to talk for a little bit & he reassured me that the next rotations he'll be doing (neurology then pyschiatry) will be easier on us both than this first one is/has been. He reassured me that he's not annoyed with me for calling/texting him while I was having my panic attack & promised we'd have a heart-to-heart once he gets home today. Then we'll have the whole weekend together. 

I am resilient. I can adjust to situations as they come up. I can heal. I can become more whole. I love Edward enough to deal with the loneliness his career choice often brings to me. We can do this. We are going to have a good weekend together. Just a little pep talk for myself at the end there haha.

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